December is a trigger month

I used to write every single day for at least an hour. Now I am nowhere to be found. There is so much for me to be blessed. Such as my family. I love my small family, my hubby and having a roof over my head. Bills bills bills that's what it means to be an adult (not really there is more beauty in it) I feel like I am killing this adult shit and sometimes I don't. I have decided that this upcoming year I will start going back to counseling. I have been dogging counseling but lately I have been emotionally unstable. Episodes of me crying for no reason. Embarrassing but it happens. Something that I like to deal with alone. I have an amazing boyfriend who has learn over the years how to help me with my downfalls. It feels good to have someone who is patient and doesn't want to be the center of attention when I feel depressed. During these times I don't like being social. I am terrible at making friends. Maybe because I dread going out or because I am afraid that they will be fake or backstab me. Which has been my experience in the past. I love to learn from mistakes. I can say I have grown tough skin with people. I was always a people pleaser now I am very careful. This twenty-twenty-three I want to get out of my comfort zone and be more social in real life. I promise to respond to those that have done nothing but want to build a friendship. For those who I am close with right now. I appreciate you and hold you close to my heart. Even if we don't talk everyday. I will support you till our last breath. December has always been a triggered month. Past years December has followed with the passings of family members. Multiple ones which cause depression for my mother and brothers. There was a traumatic experience during the holidays in the year twenty sixteen-ish involving an aunt that was diagnosed with phycosis. I used to share a room with her and her episodes were scary I feared for her life but she continues to recover. This December I have notice improvement with my relationship with my mother. I am proud of her for allowing herself to evolve her mindset. This is my third or fourth Christmas with my boyfriend and since then I have worked on changing my perspective of the holidays. I want a family of my own in the future and for us to celebrate big. I want nothing less to come from the holidays but smiles and joyful spirit. That's the dream. It is also a beautiful month because my soulmate was born on the twenty sixth of December and he will be twenty-two. Do you believe in seasonal depression ? I do, but I also know it's all mental. I don't have the strongest hold on my mental but I continue to work on it. I never thought I would put two contradictions together here it is "I am one of many strong independent sensitive vulnerable women." Hope you are all taking care of yourselves. Sending love ❤️